The first month passed and I didn't even need the (two) boxes of pregnancy tests I'd bought...two boxes because it was going to take awhile, right? So I had my little grief session and moved on.
The second month came and went. I was determined to follow this advice: "Don't take a test until you're late. It'll save you from premature disappointment, or maybe a false negative! Plus, all those tests cost money..."
I knew the "day of knowledge" was three days away (but who's counting?!), and I had made up my mind. No early test. No trusting the package's claim to give a result "five days sooner." I practiced patience and tried to enjoy the weekend. It was, after all, my birthday!
I awoke surprisingly early that Saturday. As I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, I did what many birthday girls do...think about my age, where I am now, where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. Grimacing at the memory, I recalled my "plans" for the future...as a high schooler:
1. Meet the guy at 18
2. Date for a few years
3. Get engaged at 21
4. Get married at 22
5. Have a baby at 24
7. Have baby #2 at 27
8. Maybe another at 30?
It didn't take more than a semester at college to realize my plan was seriously flawed. (Big shocker.) Granted, it did play out much better than I could've imagined once my illusions were shattered. I did meet the guy at 19, got engaged at 22 1/2, and married at 23. So even though my timeline was still pushed back a few years, God had worked things out for good. Really good. It's what He does.
So I talked to myself: "I'm 27 years old, married to an amazing man for almost four years, and we're not pregnant yet. That's okay with me."
"Take the test."
...What?!...
"Take the test. It's alright."
It wasn't an actual voice, more like a gentle suggestion planted in my mind. I hesitated for a few minutes, trying to weigh whether or not it was just me, my desire for a baby, that prompted the idea. Then there was peace.
"That would be how He'd do it," I thought. On my 27th birthday, giving me the gift I've longed for and prayed for. And even if God didn't, it was His gift of peace that gave me permission to take the test. To hope. To wait and see. And to try again, if necessary.
OK, then.
I quietly slipped out of bed and took the test. The peace started slipping a little as I waited for the result. I started shaking. "What if this was it?! What if I AM pregnant? ...And what if I'm not? Can I accept that with grace?"
The answer: "You'll be fine. It's a gift that you even get to do this today!"
So I picked up the test for another kind of answer. I stared. I squinted. I knit my brow and chuckled nervously. Why can't these things be plainer?! Were those two lines or was it just a fluke?
Looking back, I'm actually glad of this faint result. It wasn't a bold and affirmative "YES!" But it definitely wasn't a firm "No." It gave me time to calm down, to let the truth sink in that I was probably pregnant, and I was allowed to be happy about that.
That's when Mary's song drifted into my mind...
"My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior [...] he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name." (Luke 1:47-49)
*Cue the tears that shifted into muffled sobs.*
I may have mentioned that Mary has always been one of my favorite women in the Bible. I've admired her faith and obedience for as long as I've understood the gravity of what she was given. But I wasn't thinking of her recently, and it brought joy to my soul that her very words of praise and adoration would come to mind at this crucial moment in my life. Because they perfectly embodied the worship bubbling up inside me.
I put the test away and decided to take another in a few hours. Then I'd share the news with Super Husband. Besides, I'd planned a fun way to tell him...yes, some of my "planner" tendencies haven't changed. ;-) This plan seemed innocent and worth hanging on to until the time came.
We agreed to have birthday cake for breakfast (cranberry and orange cake...qualifies as breakfast food in my book!). So while I was putting on my makeup, I took test #2. This time, no squinting or knit brow. Two very clear lines. I'm pregnant!
I bounced down the stairs without finishing my hair and announced that it was time for "breakfast." Greg graciously went along with it and cut us each a slice of cake. I set up the video camera "to document a little bit of my birthday" as I opened cards from family. A few bites of cake and a few cards later, I turned to him. "I have a card for you too!" He protested that it wasn't his birthday as I handed him the card and compass I'd bought him.
What the card said is between the two of us, but I'll explain the compass: On our wedding day, his groom's gift was a sword. I wanted to give him a visual reminder that I was entrusting myself to his protection and care from that day on. This time, I gave him a compass as a reminder that I entrust myself (and our child) to his leadership and guidance.
It took him a moment to get it. He thought I was just being sentimental by mentioning our future children. (Yeah, I've been looking forward to our growing family for a loooooong time.) He kept glancing at me questioningly, until I finally let my smile loose and nodded.
*Cue more happy tears and unbridled excitement!*
"You've known since early this morning?" he asked, "How are you not bouncing all over the house right now?!" I reminded him that I was, if he'd only recall my sprightly descent down the stairs and my enthusiasm about breakfast. (OK, I do love breakfast...and cake...and breakfast cake, but not quite so visibly.)
It was the best birthday EVER! In spite of having to keep it a secret for another month or so, it was by far my favorite birthday gift. Baby had already been with me for a few weeks, but that was the day he or she was made known to us. Could it be any more perfect? It's like He knows me or something! Knew I'd enjoy an answered prayer far more than any earthly present. More proof that God's authorship over my life results in a story greater than any I could come up with.
So we're on our way to #1 on my 100 List! The Elfling (lovingly coined by a dear friend) is coming!
