The Huntress

I've been on the hunt a long time. In the past year alone, I've hunted for...

• the perfect wedding location, dress, decorations, etc.
• the furniture items our apartment lacked (mostly on craigslist)
• a church to call home
• a job
• the best deals on groceries
• and lately, a house!

Mostly, the search is thrilling. But after many disappointments, and even some triumphs, it can drain you. I admit, I've thrown in the towel far too many times these past few months, consoled myself with a self-appointed break from the hunt. But that only made me more restless. 

Then I realized that TRUST is the only true salve for the burns of worry and anxiety, the only thing that gives you joy in the hunt, and peace because you have the Master with you at all times. I was reminded to trust God with the details, and as a result...

• our wedding was a joyful and blessed event
• our apartment has everything we need, and then some!
• we became members and fellow servants of Christ at a wonderful church
• I got an editorial internship with a Seattle book publisher, and a few potential freelance job leads
• we have plenty of food to eat and share, our pantry and fridge are always full
• we have had a smooth house hunt, and possibly an accepted offer!

Don't be fooled; I didn't have one single moment of trust and all these things just fell into place overnight! It's a daily struggle with my sinful self, that part of me that finds worrying easier than action, that believes the evil one's lies that I am inadequate and incapable. I've found the desperate need to lean on His Holy Spirit to fill, uphold, and guide me. I falter...often, unfortunately...in this trust. But if I'm open to Him, God uses His Word and His children to speak affirmation and reminders to me.  

This happened recently through a book I read ("No way! She read a book? That's so unlike her!" *wink*). Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts talks about her own journey of building a habit of giving thanks for everything, the good things that are easily viewed as blessings, as well as those difficult things in life she refers to as "hard graces." And it's more than just a habit. It's an emptying of expectations, self, your anxieties, and fruitless striving, to be filled with His joy, with true thankfulness for His grace, so we can better trust and glorify Him. There were so many "quotables" I found in her book, things that resonated with me or pointed to scriptures I knew, but of whose weight I'd forgotten. But here's just one that speaks of the hunt:

This is what I crave; I hunger for Beauty. Is that why I must keep up the hunt? When I cease the beauty hunt, is that why I begin to starve, waste away?.... How I want to see the weight of glory break my thick scales, the weight of glory smash the chains of desperate materialism, split the numbing shell of deadening entertainment, bust up the ice of catatonic hearts.... I want to remember how badly I really want to see. ~Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

There have been many times when I give up the hunt, and I feel that nagging ache of sorrow and hunger. And unless I realize it's a hunger for more of God, Beauty Himself, I keep despairing, and worrying. If I acknowledge that the hunt is really about seeking Him and His will, there is joy in it, and I trust. He brings an end to my little "earthly hunts," like the job or house search, and spurs me on in the "heavenly hunt"--the seeking after Him and His Beauty, sharing the blessings, and being the blessing to others.

From the restless searching in my youth for adventures and wonders (through books, movies, music, art, and imagination), to my more mature search for more of God's beauty, in the ordinary and extraordinary places, the outside world I've only begun to explore--I'm a lifelong huntress. So, as my newlywed life unfolds, and I learn more about who I am and who God wants me to be, I find I am meant to be a lifelong huntress, so long as I'm hunting for Him in all places, things, and circumstances.