One Time. One Meeting.

"Ichigo-Ichie" (One time. One meeting.) ~Sen no Rikyu

This quote was posted near the replica of a Japanese tea house at the Seattle Art Museum, followed by this interpretation:

"This gathering never happened in the past and will never happen in the future, as its exact nature never will be the same again."

What bittersweetness. I tasted this last week during my visit to New Hampshire. To know I've never experienced the exact same event with the exact same people adds an excitement, anticipation, and enjoyment to the occasion. Conversely, to know I will never experience it the same way with the same people ever again lends a sadness, a desperation, and a determination to make the most of it. As much as I want to make those moments last, there will still only be twenty-four hours in a day. (It sounds a lot like the post-Christmas let-down, doesn't it?)

Sen no Rikyu probably meant to inspire a more "slow down and enjoy it" attitude with this phrase, rather than a melancholy one. But the bittersweetness I speak of is not joyless. There is hope at the heart of it! Think of all the events in life that are so good and you look back on them with fondness, even when you know you will never experience them again--your graduation, special family vacations, your wedding, and the birth of children. Think of the hope behind them--you look forward to moving on to a new and exciting time of life, building relationships with your family even after the vacation is over, starting a life with your soul-mate, and watching your children grow.

"Ichigo-Ichie." It reminds me not to take these "gatherings" for granted. I can anticipate them, enjoy them, and then remember them. Journaling makes that easier for me. I write about the things I'm looking forward to and, thereby, prepare myself to enjoy them to the fullest by not having any wrong expectations. I write about what happened to record a bit of that "exact nature" (although it's very much incomplete), and then reread it down the road. I don't pretend to fully relive an event this way, but I feel like it brings me closer to the people I was with and the things we saw or did. And with this revisiting, I learn how to move on to the next time, next meeting.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig!

I return to the east coast tomorrow for the first time since my wedding! And for some reason, I have trouble with saying, "I'm going home." Whenever I say it, I try to correct myself by saying this is home. But I'm returning to the place that was home to me for over twenty years. So perhaps it's a true statement...

So now I will dive into exploring that elusive term- HOME. I won't pretend to debunk the cliché, "Home is where the heart is," because my heart really is here with my husband, and Washington truly is home to me now. And I can't even fully grasp the depth of what it means to have Heaven as my true Home. So I'll just borrow C.S. Lewis' quote (one of my favorites): "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." (Mere Christianity) I like how Lewis captures the sense of longing for something more, and how this longing extends far beyond my longing for any particular place on this earth.

That said, I have longed (in that less profound way) for New Hampshire for the past three months. I long for the familiarity of the landscape, of roads I can travel without my GPS, and of faces. I long for people who really know me, beyond just my name, and that I'm married, from the east coast, and looking for work-- People who know more about who I am at the deepest levels, where I've been, what I've been through, and who have shared life with me. I hope this doesn't sound selfish. I don't mean to be self-centered in the slightest! I think anyone who has lived far away from the place they were born and raised, and from family, know this feeling. And the people I have here, especially my new family, have been so wonderful to me. I love them all and look forward to developing that type of familial bond which takes time and experience to develop. They have made me feel welcome here.

Perhaps it's alright, then, for me to say "I'm going home...to my other home"-- home defined as that place where I still feel most comfortable and less bewildered by the world around me. And after a short time, I will return home again-- home defined as that place where my love and I share an existence that it still being grown and shaped. In the future, God only knows how long, I'll return Home to be with my Heavenly Father. He is the One who has blessed me with these earthly homes to live in and enjoy. I praise Him and thank Him for each person and place that has made me feel "at home" and able to be who He has created me to be.

I stumbled across this song by Vanessa Carlton today, and I think it sums up this feeling of "home" with the people I love, no matter which coast they're on. I dedicate it to them.

For me it's a glance and the smile on your face
The touch of your hands,
And an honest embrace
For where I lay it's you I keep,
This changing world I fall asleep
With you all I know is I'm coming home,
Coming home. ("Home" by Vanessa Carlton)

 (I guess, legally, I have to say I don't own the rights to the above song, lyrics, or video. I give credit where credit is due. Just wanted to share it with you all.)

Why Publishing?

I was asked the above question during a recent job interview, and while I stumbled through my answer, I've had more time to chew on it and add my own questions. Do I really want this? Am I as passionate about publishing as I say? My fall-back answer has always been, "I love the feel of books in my hands, the permanence and tangibility of a cover bound story." But that doesn't quite capture the depth of WHY...

Here's what I discovered. Books seem to hold promise-- the promise of learning, of adventure, or maybe an emotion (to feel something you wouldn't otherwise). This is what keeps me going to my bookshelf, the library, or every bookstore I happen to find. How does publishing fit into this? I love the thought of putting books together, because THEN it ceases to be a pile of papers and disconnected pieces, and becomes a whole entity, an entity whose label reads, "Just Add Reader." And then it comes to life in front of you!

To take part in the creation of a book is to help an author polish and shape his or her dream into something he or she can be proud of. I'm realizing that I care less about whether or not that dream "sells" and more about the effect it will have on its readers, no matter how few they may be. For example, a family memoir written by an eighty-two year old grandfather will capture something of his family's history that might otherwise be lost. It will not become a best seller. It may never even see a bookstore shelf! But if it is created (and created well) and finds its way into the hands of future generations, that book will keep its promise to the author, and the reader, to teach and remind.

And even after exploring these questions, I still can't help but feel desperate for someone to tell me, "You're not crazy for wanting this!" The interviewer, a man who has been in the publishing business for over thirty years, told me I'm about "ten years too late." I refuse to believe that's true.

Post-Wedding Blues

I believe I've experienced what Susan Devries calls "The Princess Crisis." I've been reading The Most Important Year in a Woman's Life, and this particular insight into newlywed life strikes a chord in me:

A princess is beautiful, fun to be with, romantic, on a quest to win the affection of a charming prince, and surrounded by others who attend to her wants and needs. But after the wedding day, a bride often ceases to see herself as a princess--feeling more like the duty-bound queen--and when the princess becomes the queen, the real work begins.

I would add that, as a bride, I felt surrounded by others willing to help, or at least interested and emphatically curious about my wedding plans. And perhaps the most jarring part of this "crisis" has been, for me, the sudden disconnect from the people who helped me achieve that bridal dream, and made me feel like a princess bride. I miss their kindly advice, thoughts and well-wishes, their example, and their teasing if they could see me blunder through folding the overflowing basket of laundry at my feet! (Have I mentioned that even "kings" have their fair share of stinky socks?)

I do miss the bridal magazines, the bridal shows, the wedding ads in my mailbox, all the dreaming, the planning...the putting together of the most delightful puzzle of my life, where each piece slid into place with a satisfying sense of contentment. The resulting picture was far more perfect than I could've imagined! And the bittersweetness of the puzzle is that I will never do it again. And even if I were to plan another "wedding" (for my own children, for example), it will never have that same wonder of seeing my own dream wedding turn into reality.

So what's my new puzzle? I suppose it's this new life my groom and I have been carefully putting together, piece by piece. It's setting up house together, figuring out closet space, and sharing bowls of cereal in the morning before he leaves for work. It's the colorful primroses I planted in a hanging pot outside on our balcony. It's the walks after church on the sunny days, and the reading in coffee shops on the rainy ones. This puzzle is infinitely more complex and challenging than the wedding puzzle! And I think it's become my solution to the "princess crisis." I will always be my husband's princess bride, and he will be my prince and hero; not just for a single day of wedding celebration, but for the rest of our days! While we may carry the label of "romantic newlyweds" for awhile, we will be "romantic puzzle-makers" for life.

East-Coast Girl No Longer

I'd never moved in my life, unless you count my four years at Grove City College (which I don't). The house I grew up in was the only place I called home...until about a month ago. Going from a small New England town to just outside Seattle was jarring, to say the least. Thankfully, my husband (then boyfriend) had introduced me to the rainy winters/springs and chiseled mountains of the Evergreen State when I visited him and his family. I had an inkling then that I might one day find myself here to stay. But no amount of preparation can fully spare you from that starling moment of revelation, "I just moved across the country, and nothing will ever be the same."

How do I cope with these huge life changes? One answer- You're reading it! Since moving to Washington and settling into life with the man of my dreams, I've felt the familiar tug of the pen...er, keyboard. There are so many new things to observe, not only in my new home, but in newlywed and postgrad life as a whole. And while the nagging pull of the business world tugs at my common sense, I decided to take a break from the job search to do what I love. Write!

And now my brainchild (one of many, though most are books still unwritten) stands before you. Welcome to the Squirrel and Student Society!  I'm one of three founding members of this "auspicious" group. We were English majors at Grove City Collge, sharing a meal and our latest writings. As fellow fans of J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis and other writers of the Inklings Literary Society, it was only a matter of time until we fashioned a name for ourselves. We longed to have a meeting spot as inspiring as the Eagle & Child Pub in Oxford (where the Inklings often met). However, we found ourselves there, in the college cafeteria, surrounded by hungry students and hungry squirrels scavenging the quad outside...the animals that is, not the students (although students have been known to embark on "squirrel tagging." My husband may or may not have been one of their number). That's how The Squirrel and Student Society was born.

The three original Squirrels have since parted ways, but we still stay in touch and share our writings with one another. It was they who actually inspired me to start blogging too! I figure one way to link my new life with the old is to record the journey here, to share with the people I had to leave back east (or scattered all over the globe). I hope this blog will be a place to explore my tranformation from east-coast girl to west-coast woman. It should be a fun trip. Care to join me?