The Final Push

Yes, that was a pun. Can we deal? Okay  great. ;-)

The past three months have flown by! Babymoon trip, baby showers, family reunions, freelance work, birth class, summer fun with friends, and nesting...oh sweet mercy, has there been nesting. On top of that, hot weather like I've never known in the Pacific Northwest. It's made for particularly speedy second and third trimesters. Most days, anyway.

Now that we've entered the last month of pregnancy, the weight of new parenthood is settling in even more. I find myself mulling over things like pediatricians, labor techniques, and drafting a will. While all the "fun things" are getting finishing touches--the nursery, baby laundry, hospital bags, her name, etc.--the not-so-fun choices and tasks are looming before me. When I cross one thing off the list (e.g. organize baby's closet), two more things take its place (e.g. add baby to insurance policy & interview pediatricians)...each seemingly more time-consuming and complex than the last.

I've had a few days where I've dissolved into tears. Other days, I go about my business with calm, confident determination. It's a roller coaster for sure.

Before you conclude that I'm a frazzled, overwhelmed, overly anxious mama-to-be, let's be clear. There's much more to the story. I've longed for mommyhood! Super Husband and I are excited to have our daughter join our family! Ask us if we have everything we need to welcome baby and we'll enthusiastically reply, "Yes! And more!" We'll tell you how God has provided beyond our wildest hopes.

And we'll also be real about our initial reactions to the realities of parenthood. 

That's what this is, right here. I'm realizing just how many decisions and how much cost (and not just the financial type) is involved in raising a human being. It sure beats adopting a pet, choosing a college, buying a house, or establishing a livelihood. It's way beyond any life change I've experienced so far, even marriage, because her very survival seems to rest on our shoulders!

I say "seems" because there's something else I've been learning recently:

Her life, her growth, her sustenance...EVERYTHING about this beloved child rests on the unwavering, utterly reliable shoulders of an Almighty God!

Sweet relief! Sweet hope! It lifts the pressure, waives the anxiety, and frees my heart to honestly trust Him. To praise Him for what He does and who He is. These past eight months were only possible through Him. Just like this final push.

I've said it before, and I'll say it til I'm blue in the face: God has a plan for our daughter and only He orchestrates her future. We'll do our best--by His grace and with His help--to be the loving, guiding, and nurturing influence on her life that He's called us to be. 

I'm reminding myself of these facts throughout all the decision-making and tasks of third trimester. I'm being transparent with you when I say it's pretty easy to slip back into thinking we're the ones who are making all this happen on our own. To feel like we've got some semblance of control. I'm grateful for the truth-telling of my brothers and sisters in Christ, their encouragement to see this whole thing rightly. And I find much-needed peace and rest in the knowledge and experience of God's unfailing faithfulness to us.

It's a bit gross (sorry) but I keep getting the image of of what it was like when my mom held my hair back and supported my body as I got sick as a girl. She softly reassured, "Mama's got you. It's okay. Mama's got you." 

Now as I prepare for this final push and most likely the hardest thing my body has ever done, I keep hearing it over and over: "Jesus has got you. It's okay. He's got you."

Tweet, Tweet, Tweet

I think I'm finally beginning to understand the term "Mommy Bird Moment" (what we call those moments when my Mom gets nostalgic about our childhood or emotional about the present/future of her kids).

It happened one night as I was sitting alone on our back deck, imagining our little girl playing in the grass or exploring the bushes. Tears flooded my eyes, and through them, I could almost see her there. I'm so excited to watch her discover, interact, and grow.

It happened again as I folded her freshly laundered outfits to be put away, ready for her use. The thought of her tiny frame filling those clothes was overwhelming! I cried happy tears for the little one we've waited and prayed for. Just knowing she'll soon be here is enough to burst my heart with love.

So, Mom? I'm starting to get it. And I'm certain I'll have many more moments like these throughout the rest of my life.

Diapers and car seats and bibs! OH MY!

When I found out I was pregnant, it was like the honeymoon phase. "Everything is beautiful, registering will be fun, decorating the nursery will be a bonding experience, and I'm just glowing with happiness. All I have to worry about is keeping my body the best incubator for Baby as I can these next 7 months...right?"

It wasn't months into the measles outbreak before I realized, "Oh yeah! I'm vaccinated, but my little peanut won't be fully covered until around 2 years old! Is this thing going to be contained by then?"

Aaaaand reality hits! Not only are there a million dangers in this world, there are a million decisions parents have to make, starting the moment they decide to add to their family! Some seem daunting and take months to process. (We're currently a bit stuck on the name decision.) Others seem pretty trivial and don't require much mental or financial burden. And then some appear to be trivial at first, but they're really wrought with brain-busting considerations!

For example: cloth diapering. Yea or nay?

It's like if you don't at least try to cloth diaper your child, you're a failure as a modern parent! Why, after all, wouldn't you want to save the planet from your baby's toxic, solid underpants?!

Judgement. Oh, I feel it.

And just when I think I've made a decision on one thing (trying a few cloth diapers until investing in more), friends with good intentions bring another gadget to mind!

"Do you guys have a car seat picked out?"

Car seats are constantly changing. I was made aware of this fact when my sister had her first baby and the concept of expiration dates for baby gear reared its ugly head. And not only do they scare you with horror stories of incorrectly installed seats and old equipment failures, they tell you that past a certain date, that seat is basically a death trap for your child! AH!

OK, I can handle this. Just buy it new, do a quick check for safety ratings, keep an eye on recalls, and we'll be fine! But there's still the issue of rear-facing seats for as long as possible. I'm in full agreement that this is safer for kids in an accident and will keep our kids rear facing until they're the proper weight/height.

However, this topic still increases my heart rate because of one simple fact...my husband and I are both tall, so it's probably safe to assume our child will be looooooong...and probably pretty lean like her daddy. Which means this whole rear-facing thing will probably be uncomfortable and a logistic nightmare when those little legs start to stretch. *sigh* Each day as it comes, right?

I've spent countless evenings reading reviews, searching color/theme options, and building a registry. It's harder than I thought, mainly because I want to build a thoughtful registry--that is, well thought out, not just things Babies R Us tells us I just have to have (we made that mistake with our Bed, Bath, and Beyond wedding registry). And also with the gift givers in mind--which stores are easily accessible and have the best prices, etc. As a frequent wedding/baby shower attendee these days, I know I appreciate being able to find a gift that's in my budget AND something I feel good about giving because I think it'll get used.

Fun fact: baby brands are impossible to pronounce!

Graco = Gray-co (I've been pronouncing it Grah-co. Where do they get the hard "a" sound?)

Chicco = Key-co (Really?! I thought for sure it was Chee-co)

Lansinoh = ...(OK, it's not the pronunciation, it's the spelling! I think I might be slightly dislexic because I keep typing "Lanisoh" every time I try to look up one of their products!)

Before you think I'm going bald ripping my hair out over this stuff (I'd seek help LONG before that happened!), I'm actually feeling more at peace about preparing for our baby girl. We won't have her entire future planned out, we probably won't have everything on hand right when she needs it, and we certainly won't have all the answers to the questions she and others throw at us! But we'll be her parents and love her fiercely. And God is both Provider and Healer. Everything won't be perfect--amusing how my silly, finite mind sometimes thinks it can be--but I have confidence that everything will work out for good.

I, You, He, She, It, We, They

Oh, the joys of pronouns! For the past four months, I've been turning a blind eye on grammar and referring to our baby as "they." *cringe* Let's face it, saying "he or she" or "his or her" EVERY time you need to talk about your baby is cumbersome!

And let's not even talk about calling our baby "it." *cringe x 1,000,000* I never want my child referred to as "it," thank you.

Saying "they" has its own challenges, in addition to the obvious grammatical one. For example, the gasp and tentative question if we're having twins. No, there's just one in there. I promise! Also, you get so used to saying "they" that when you DO find out Baby's gender, you have a hard time using the correct pronoun! It's the power of conditioning, friends. Frightening.

However, that habit served us well the week we found out. I was all prepared to do the envelope game: have the ultrasound tech write the news on paper, seal it up, give it to the clerk at the party store and have him or her fill a box with the appropriate color balloons for the gender reveal party. Complicated? A bit. But I figured we'd waited 20 weeks, so what's one more week?

Then I learned Super Husband's preference for us to know and keep it secret until the party. At first I found myself clinging to "my plan," but when I considered how nice it would be to know and to able to relish in and enjoy that knowledge for a week, with my husband? I felt at peace about it.

It sure wasn't a "ta-da!" kind of moment, though! The ultrasound took an hour and a half, and the student tech had us convinced it was a boy when she quietly referenced "his head," and after a pause, hurriedly explained to the licensed tech that we said we wanted to find out the gender, "just in case it slips out." Wouldn't you be convinced too?

So when the news came, we were both surprised and overwhelmed. I think the student was even more emotional than we were--maybe it was her first time getting to share such news with parents. But as the days passed, and reality sunk in that we have a daughter, the happy tears and laughter came afresh.

No more vague pronouns! We kept our secret for the week, and sharing the news was a joyful event. We're so in love with our baby girl already and can't wait to hold her. And by how active she feels, plus the way she wiggled her feet when we were trying to count her toes in the ultrasound...I think we may have a little dancer on our hands! I just want to learn more about her. Only four and a half more months until that happy introduction!

Until then, I find myself increasingly excited over the color pink.

Stay-at-Home What?

Spring has sprung, but I feel like it's nearly the start of summer vacation! That's right. Only 6 days until I'm done with work!

"Already?!"

I get that a lot.

Super Husband and I made the decision soon after we found out about Baby. It's important to both of us that I stay home with our kids, and Super Husband insisted that taking time off before Baby arrived would be the healthy choice for all three of us. I'll admit, "type A" me took a few weeks to get used to this idea. In the end, I agreed to stop working in April, with the promise of freelance editing from home as long as I can.

Some days I feel a bit guilty about it. Nowadays, it's not uncommon for new moms to work right up to delivery and then high-tail it back to work as soon as maternity leave is up. It amazes me! But I'm also grateful for this opportunity to finally take on my dream job as a stay-at-home mom, or, as my Mom lovingly called it, a "domestic engineer."

I think I confused people by leaving my job so "early." (Frankly, 5 months out of a lifetime of parenthood doesn't add up to much!) Coworkers bemoan not getting to see my growing belly--although I promised I'll stop in--and friends who don't know how far along I am wonder if I'm due sooner than expected...and just ridiculously small still?

But the biggest question has been, "What are you going to do in the mean time?" One coworker teased, "Take up knitting?" I suppose she could've meant it sincerely, since I do work at a quilt/sewing/yarn book publishing house. Kidding aside, I think they actually want to know what a mama-to-be/stay-at-home wife does.

Plenty.

Over the next few months, will my status be...
A full-time freelancer?
Self-employed?
A homemaker?
A stay-at-home wife?

All of the above, I guess! I'll be freelancing as "full-time" as I can manage while making sure I'm taking care of Baby, my body, and my home. Yes, freelancing means "self-employed" and I've ALWAYS considered myself the homemaker of our little family. I was already a stay-at-home wife once, but the early days of marriage meant I was busy stumbling my way through cohabitation and the job search (far from my "network," I might add)! This time, I have familiarity on my side. We're settled into our home, I know where to shop and what chores need to be done, and I hope that there will still be time leftover to keep doing the editing that I love while nesting!

And the timing couldn't be better!

Professionally, it aligns perfectly with other position shifts at my company. So I know I'm leaving my job in capable hands. Plus, I've lived my dream of being a copy editor and learned valuable skills that I can carry on through freelancing. It's been an excellent run.

Personally, it means I'm free to host my family this summer without taking PTO, and our travel plans will hinge on Super Husband's schedule alone! Add on the convenience of NO commute and NO more feeling restricted to a desk (Baby and I need to get up and move around a lot these days). It seems like the perfect fit for this stage of life and pregnancy!

So I'm looking forward to it, even if I do feel sentimental over leaving my office and the friends I've made there. I want to spend this time well. Call it what you will: stay-at-home wife or stay-at-home freelancer. I'm aiming for the high goal of stay-at-home mom. And I can't wait to meet my little "client." This new season is a blessing. Not a luxury I take for granted. An incredible blessing.

Hangry and Prego Emo

First, a fun fact: Switch the L and the O in BLOG and you get...

(not mine)

BOLG! Evil and deranged pale orc from "The Hobbit" films. It amused me, mainly because blogging can sometimes feel like "Bolging"...roaring at the world and stomping around with slumped shoulders and a sour expression.

Now, I present to you, a bolg post.

It was worse in the first trimester when my gag reflex made food prep difficult. Never mind that I was starving, food prep was just bad! But I HAD to eat. And unless Super Husband was around to save the day and finish making dinner, I put on my "angry eyes" and slammed around bowls and cutting boards and utensils until some semblance of a meal was formed.

Super Husband would come home and greet me tenderly, but I'd only suffer a quick hug before I continued my ogre-like rampage around the kitchen. That's how bad it was...and sometimes is, if the monster decides to rear its ugly head.

Meet HANGRY, the hungry, angry orc that I've found myself turning into during pregnancy. Rest assured that after a few measly bites of food, Hangry turns into a sweet little Hobbit of delight, relishing in her meal and apologizing to her hero of a husband. But it's not uncommon for the cautionary phrase, "I'm hangry," to be spoken in our kitchen of late. Watch out!

Likewise, I've discovered a new monster of the pregnancy realm.

PREGO EMO. Uber emotional. Messy tears over the slightest of inconveniences (like a cutting board that managed to slip down, out of reach, between the counter and the refrigerator), choking up at ads for baby products (dang it, Pampers!), and losing it completely over things that I might've handled with more grace in the past.

For example: This morning, while trying to surprise my husband with a steaming hot latte with breakfast, I somehow managed to spill (read: explode) a scalding carafe of espresso all over the counter, the kitchen, and my hand.

Like any calm, collected adult, I rushed over to the sink to submerge my hand in cold water...and burst into uncontrollable sobs. Yep, I'm a big baby. Mainly because I'm carrying one. Although, I feel like this pain warranted tears, even if I wasn't pregnant. It's the worst burn I've ever had, apart from a few nasty sunburns (at least those end up as a nice tan once they heal!).

After Super Husband came to the rescue, got me ice, and cleaned up my ghastly mess, "Prego Emo" struck again! This time, it wasn't out of pain, fright, or general upset...I was embarrassed, and disappointed that my attempt at sweetness toward him was thwarted by clumsiness and a not-quite-tight-enough Aero-Press filter. Add the fact that we would now BOTH be late for work on a day when we have a retreat to get to in the evening...

Oh yes, Prego Emo likes to treat little embarrassments and disappointments as if they were the worst kind of betrayal.

So I'm leaving my "friends" Hangry and Prego Emo here for a bit. Writing is my therapy, and this bolg post has given me some level of comfort. My hand still stings, but a little aloe and a deep breath seems to help that too. We'll get through this.

Baby Bump

We made it to the 2nd trimester! I can't decide what I'm happiest about: more energy (that seems to come and go, depending on the day) or the small bump that's making my pants too tight. That's right; I'm excited for my baby bump! I can't wait for more physical (and not just symptomatic) evidence that I'm carrying a child. I can't wait to pass this awkward stage of looking bloated from a good meal versus looking pregnant. (OK, so the two are closely related at this point...the bump looks more prominent after I've eaten.)

My least favorite comments so far have revolved around my current size and "baby weight" predictions. Coworkers complained about the weight they gained with each of their pregnancies and then proceeded to predict I wouldn't gain any or that it will simply "slip off" as soon as I give birth. They were trying to be nice, I'm positive. To keep from scaring me about what will most likely be the heaviest weight I'll ever be. But you know what? I'm not scared! I'd be scared of NOT gaining any weight. Baby's got to have nutrients! Baby's got to grow! And it is so worth every pound and stretch mark I'll earn, even if they never fully go away.

Even an employee at a maternity store asked me if I was shopping for a gift. When I said no, I was shopping for myself, and a joking "Can't you tell?", she gave me the once over and said, "Come back when you've got a belly, then we'll talk." My pregnancy hormones made me overly emotional about that one. I'm pretty sure I flushed a lovely shade of red and swallowed a tear or two. It must never have occurred to her that her comment could come across a little hurtful. Some women are actually thrilled to be pregnant, and that a baby bump is something of a dream, not a dreaded "side effect." Personally, I like shopping for maternity clothes before I get much bigger, because I'll have comfy things to wear as soon as my jeans won't zip up. Makes sense, no?

Bring on the cocoa shea butter lotion and the belly rubs! And maternity pants--funny looking belly panel or no--are SO comfortable, I can't wait to wear them daily! (Right now they're my go-to when I'm feeling particularly uncomfortable or my normal jeans are in the wash.) There's a lovely pair of shorts with my name on them, waiting for summer (thanks Mama Mo!). I'm so happy to have reached phase 2 of the journey. And even if I (and Super Husband) am the only one to recognize it, Baby is starting to show!

Don't be concerned for me--I understand how this works. I know I'll feel remarkably uncomfortable in my third trimester, when I feel like a beached whale and can't put on my own socks (thank goodness it'll be summer and sandal weather!). My midwife has already warned me that my tiny, yet long, rib cage means breathing is going to be a joy when Baby starts pushing up on it. Ouchies on the way! But for now, let's be excited for the bump, shall we? Okay!